tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66564682024-03-18T19:31:17.448+00:00Grumpy Old BookmanA blog about books and publishing, aimed at both readers and writers.
Listed by the Guardian in 2005 as one of the top ten literary blogs.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.comBlogger1275125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-38071154903759984092023-10-30T16:34:00.000+00:002023-10-30T16:34:08.825+00:00<p><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: times;">ECCLESIASTICA, MEDICA, ET DEMENTIA</span></span><b style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">as told to<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">MICHAEL ALLEN<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">by a young friend of his; name of Simon</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;">As I’ve grown up, I’ve become quite used to people correcting me whenever I make a mistake: when I forget a name, for instance, or confuse one word with another.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">This is very true of a friend of mine called Wilberforce, because he’s much cleverer than what I am. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I’ve known Wilberforce for a good many years. Until we were eleven we went to school together. Then he went off to a posh boarding school, where they teach Latin and complicated maths and stuff; and I went off to a small day school in our town, where they deal with people who have what they call “special needs”. Nowadays Wilberforce goes to a university, where he learns something I’ve forgot the name of.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Although we went to different big schools, Wilberforce and I have always kept in touch, during the school holidays and that. And now, once a week or so, we meet up in a pub. I drink a non-alcoholic lager, because I get quite confused enough as it is, and Wilberforce drinks Guinness. I usually pay.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">As I say, Wilberforce spends a lot of his time correcting me. So I was quite surprised when one day recently I thought I heard him make a mistake of his own. Wilberforce has learnt to drive, of course, so he was telling me of a really good place that he’s found where he can park, whenever he goes into town.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“It’s a small patch of spare ground,” he said. “Round the back of a church. And they don’t charge a fee. They just ask for a donation, in a little box on the wall. But you can easily put ten pee in and stay there all day.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh,” I said. “And which church is this?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“It’s on Basin Street, Simon. Near the railway bridge. It’s called the Church of the Transvestites.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now. I thought about that for a minute, because it didn’t sound quite right to me. So then I said, “Don’t you mean the Church of the Configuration?” I know about that, you see, because our Cub pack used to meet in their church hall. On Fridays.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Hm?” he said. “Oh. Oh, no, no, no, Simon, not the Church of the Trans<i>figuration </i>– that’s quite a different place. That’s on North Street, on the other side of town. No, the Transvestites are quite a different lot. You can tell them apart easily enough, because their preferences are no secret. They have two Vicars, you see, and if you walk past on a Sunday morning you can see the Vicars standing outside to greet you. And they both wear these long flowing gowns, called frocks, in black and white. Oh yes, very fetching, and quite unmistakeable. It’s quite the Eve San Loron on a Sunday morning, I can tell you.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Is it?” I said. “Gosh!” I have no idea what he meant by that, but it sounded impressive. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. And one of the Vicars has clearly had his hair permed. And he wears make-up. And I did hear a whisper…” Wilberforce paused and looked around, as if to make sure that no one was listening. “In fact more than one whisper actually, but I did hear it said…” Another look round. “I did hear it said that the one with the perm is thinking of having the operation.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now this particular statement had me completely flummoxed. What had operations got to do with anything? My mouth may have fallen open.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wilberforce nodded. “Oh yes!” he said vigorously, because he could see that I was puzzled. “And once he’s had the operation done, this Vicar is going to change his name to Prunella.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: medium;"> *</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0cm -792pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Now, at this point I ought to pause and tell you a little bit about my personal friend called Prunella. A real Prunella, she is. And she’s been very helpful to me in putting me right when I’m out shopping. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Prunella, you see, is in charge of a small shop where she sells fish. And buying fish, I’ve discovered, is a business where a customer can easily go wrong. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">I was in there one day after my Mum had asked me to go to Prunella’s and buy us two mackerel. And when I got into the shop it was very quiet, and Prunella was on her own – no other staff, and no customers. So I asked for these two mackerel very politely. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Hmm?” said Prunella. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Two mackerel please,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh no,” said Prunella, very firmly. She uses a knife to cut the fish up with, you see, a long thin thing, very sharp, and she quite often waves it around. “Oh no,” she said again. “We don’t sell MACKrell here.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Don’t you? I thought you did.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh no, Simon.” (Because she knows my name, you see. I’ve been going to her for years, usually with my Mum.) “No, MACKrell is a very inferior fish. I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Do you realise where it comes from?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Um, no, not really. The sea, isn’t it?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Yes, but only after a fashion. They come from the English Channel. And you do know what’s in the sea there, don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">No. I didn’t. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Lots and lots of poo,” said Prunella. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Poo?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Yes. Stuff what comes out of your bum, and then gets pumped into the sea.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Goodness me,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. Gallons of it. All day. Poo pumped into the sea. Completely untreated. The water companies find it much cheaper to do that, you see, than to purify the poo first.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Do they?” I was astonished.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. Well you can tell that, easy enough, Simon. Use your eyes…. Have you been down to the sea recently?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Well then, you can see for yourself. Seen people sunbathing, have you, sitting in deckchairs and that?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Yes.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Blokes with their shirts off? After they've been swimming?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Yes.”</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Well then. What colour is their chest?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> “Um… Well… Brown, I suppose.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Exactly… I will say no more,” said Prunella. And she tapped the side of her nose with a finger. “Just keep that to yourself, Simon, because that could get me into trouble, if you let on that I’ve told you. The water companies are trying to keep it a secret, you see. And they might send a couple of heavies round if they knew I was wise to them.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Gosh!” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Yes. So that’s why I don’t sell MACKrell, you see, Simon. What I sell is an entirely superior kind of fish.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0cm -792pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Is it?” <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. Similar but quite different. What I sell is not MACKrell, you see – it’s mackerELL.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“MackerELL?” I repeated. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“That’s right, Simon. Well remembered. You catch on real quick, lad, whatever people may say about you. And do you know why they’re called mackerELL?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“No.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Because they come from the Irish Sea. They’re Irish, like me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Prunella paused, and waved her long thin knife at me, just to make sure that I was going to remember. She often does that. And I stepped backwards three paces, which is what I usually do when the knife is out. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“So next time you come in here, wanting a real treat for your dear old Mum, Simon, you remember to ask for some of my special mackerELL. And I’ll see you get the right thing.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Gosh, Prunella,” I said. “Thank you very much.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And that’s why I really like Prunella you see. She puts me right when I go wrong. Just like Wilberforce does too.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: medium;"> *</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Back to my discussion with Wilberforce, about the two clergymen, one of whom likes to be known as a different Prunella.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Well,” I said to Wilberforce, “if this bloke really wants to be known as a woman, I’m not surprised he’s chosen the name Prunella. There is only one other Prunella in this town, and I know her quite well. I buy my fish from her.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“So do I!” said Wilberforce. “Well remembered, Simon. She’s the one with that big sharp knife. I wouldn’t like to fall out with her on a dark and windy night. And come to think of it I shall have to remember to tell this clergyman fellow to have a word with her himself. Because if he asked her nicely I dare say she would do his operation for him without a waiting list, and at a nice cheap price as well. A couple of quick flicks with that knife of hers and Bob’s your auntie. Don’t you reckon?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Umm,” I said. Because once again I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0cm -792pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> _______________________<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif; font-size: medium;"> *</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Such then, are a few of my recent chats with people. And as I thought about these chats, over the next few days and weeks, I began to feel a bit worried as to whether my memory was dis-improving – which is a word what the real Prunella taught me. Perhaps, I thought, perhaps I was forgetting things too often, or mishearing people, or dis-remembering things. So I had a look at my diary, and I realised that fortunately I was due to have one of my regular meetings with our doctor. In just three days’ time.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">After I left school, you see, the doctor told my Mum that he’d like to keep an eye on my progress, so he arranged to see me every six months, whether I was feeling well or not. He’s a foreign bloke, and I’d like to tell you his name, but I never can quite remember it. Neither can Wilberforce, funnily enough, but Wilberforce calls him Dr Dumkopf, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t right. Anyway, when the time came I trotted along to see the doctor, quite happily, and explained a few of my worries.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“I am wondering, you see,” I said, “whether I’m going a bit like my Uncle Bert. He’s getting quite old now, and he’s got what he calls a case of the demons. Forgets things easily and all that.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes, I know all about your Uncle Bert,” said Dr Dumkopf. “And you’re quite right, he has got a form of dementia. But you’re far too young to worry about that. However, I can give you a quick test to prove it, if you’re at all worried. It’ll stop you getting into a twist about it.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes,” I said. “Please do test me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“OK. Now, you know the days of the week, don’t you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. Mostly.” The truth is I do get a bit confused about Thursdays and Fridays. I used to turn up on the wrong night for Cubs sometimes. But I didn’t let on to the doctor. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm 0cm 0cm -792pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Right then. Now, recite the days of the week backwards for me, beginning with Sunday.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Um, right.” So I did it, and I got it right too, because I was slow and careful.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Very good. Now then. Do you know the Lord’s Prayer?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Um, well, yes – bit of it. ‘Our Father, which art in heaven’, and all that?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“That’s the one. Now, recite that one backwards for me.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">Wow. I tried, but of course that one had me totally stumped. I got as far as ‘Amen’, and that was it. But that didn’t bother Dr Dumkopf at all.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Jolly, good, Simon!” he said. He seemed really pleased. “That’s really good!”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Is it?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. You see, these days most people don’t even know the opening words of the Lord’s Prayer. But you do. So that means your memory is even better than normal. Most people think the Lord’s Prayer is something you recite before a game of cricket. So the fact that you can’t recite it backwards means that you’re absolutely normal. Just like everyone else. One hundred percent. Congratulations.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh!” said. Cos I was a bit surprised. “So you don’t need to give me a prescription or anything?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“No, definitely not. But I tell you what though. If you’re really worried about hearing what people say correctly, the next time you’re passing the chemist’s, go into the shop and buy a couple of packets of Lockets. They’re cough sweets really, but if you start sucking one of those every time you go out shopping, you’ll find that they really help to clear the tubes from your mouth to your ears, and to your brain too, for that matter. So you’ll hear everything much better than before, and you’ve got much less chance of misunderstanding anyone.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Gosh!” I said. “Thank you very much.” I was really delighted.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">My Mum is right about our doctor, you see. He really is helpful.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> *</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And finally I went to see my Uncle Bert. He’s my Mum’s uncle really. He’s the one that truly has got a case of demons and really does forget things, and so he’s definitely got something to worry about. And I had a long chat with him.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Hm,” said Uncle Bert at the end. “Well, you’ve had an interesting time recently, Simon, no doubt about it. And I’m glad you get on all right with our doctor. One word of warning, however. Our doc is a cheerful sort of fellow, and he has his own sense of humour. So if I were you I would take everything he says with a pinch of salt.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh, really?” I said. “Would you?”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh yes. Definitely.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">“Oh, well, thanks for the tip, Uncle. You’ve taken a great weight off my mind, and I’ll definitely do what you say.”<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">And I have followed my Uncle’s advice. Faithfully, because he’s always had a soft spot for me, and keeps an eye on my progress. And now I keep a regular supply of Lockets on my desk at home. Every afternoon, before I go out shopping, I unwrap one of them. And then I go downstairs and dip both ends of it in the salt cellar. It makes them taste a bit funny at first, but you soon get used to it, and they really do open up your tubes as the doctor said. I can hear what people say much better now, and that makes me much happier. Because I know that I’m much less likely to de-mean what they say, and make a bit of a twit of myself. So I’m far less likely to be referred to as Simple Simon, even though people do mean it kindly, and only call me that name when I’m not listening to them.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">All in all, I think I’ve learnt a lot this last few weeks. And the most important thing I’ve learnt is that I know some very helpful people. <o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;">It’s a wonderful thing to have friends – don’t you agree? </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; margin: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-8041095194039601712021-08-22T09:41:00.000+01:002021-08-22T09:41:56.386+01:00Mr Fenman rides again<p>This is the first time that I have written a piece for this blog in several years. The reason is simple: I am too old to have the time and energy to do any serious work: 82 last May. In particular, I have been diagnosed as having Alzheimer's disease, which is a form of dementia. The chief effect that this disease has on an Alzheimer's patient is that he, or she, loses his memory. What happens, I'm told, is that the brain actually shrinks, and you can see the effect on a brain scan. There are some drugs which reportedly slow down the shrinkage, and I'm on one, but they do not reverse it. Despite this diagnosis, I remain fairly cheerful -- probably because I do not understand the full implications of the situation.</p><p>However, be that as it may, there is one side effect of Alzheimer's which is particularly interesting to a writer, and that is that I can look at a shelf full of various editions of my own books, stretching back nearly sixty years, and realise that I have only the broadest idea of what they are about. For instance, I once wrote a novel entitled <i>Spence in Petal Park </i>(1977). Without even opening it, I know that this is a police procedural of sorts, an old-fashioned English whodunit featuring a certain Superintendent Spence. But that's about all I know. I can't really remember where it's set, who the characters are, who actually dunit, et cetera.</p><p>Not that this failure of memory matters very much, but it does have a curious effect: it means that I can read one of my own books pretty much as if I had never even read it before, much less written it. Which is odd.</p><p>Bear in mind this background when I tell you that I recently read a "book" of mine entitled <i>Mr Fenman's Farewell to His Readers. </i>I put the word book in inverted commas because it's about 80 pages long in the printed edition, so it's more of a pamphlet really: a long short story perhaps. In any event it's no longer available in print (so far as I can discover) but it is available as a Kindle ebook.</p><p><i>Mr Fenman </i>was written in 2007, and self-published that year. It is fiction, for the most part, though in it I claim at the outset that I bought Mr Fenman's first-person tale in manuscript form from a book dealer. The bulk of the story purports to be told by Mr Fenman himself, and he was, he declares, a writer of over 100 novels, during a long working life. He was born in 1761 and died in 1837. And in this autobiographical sketch he tells how, in 1786, he visited Venice for the first time. There he met a mysterious lady, Madame de Mentou, who taught him how to write fiction. She also had other pupils, in other arts: such as a tenor, and a young lady violinist. In 1836, near the end of his life, Mr Fenman goes back to Venice and meets Madame de Mentou again. Or does he? Or is he, perhaps, confusing her with someone else?</p><p>I think that's quite enough to give you a taste of what my little story is about. But at the end of my tale, Mr Fenman himself seems unsure whether the story of his life is true, or a tissue of lies. Perhaps, he admits, he is a liar. For all fiction writers are liars. </p><p>But then, he adds, there is another possibility. "There is the spectre of madness..." Is this story of his true, or is it another of his fictions? Or is he just confused? "What could be more horrible," he asks the reader, "than to be alone in a foreign city, and to lose control of one's senses, to have one's memories fragment and grow faint? These may be the last semi-coherent jottings of a now deranged scribbler who soon will not even know his own face in the glass." </p><p>And so, it seems, in 2007, and through the persona of Mr Fenman, I was anticipating what may, in due course, be the final shape of my own writing life.</p><p>You might, perhaps, be tempted to read about Mr Fenman yourself. If so, the story is still available on Kindle -- it might even be free if you understand how to use the various versions of Kindle (I don't). I used to have a Kindle book reader myself, but I haven't used it for some years. For a link, try entering "Mr Fenman's Farewell to His Readers" in Google, and follow the link to your local Amazon. But beware: if you follow the link to goodreads.com, you will find that the book is credited to a quite different sort of person -- a professor of Theology no less! No, I don't understand it either, and I am long past sorting it out. </p><p>I used to have a Kindle ebook reader, but I haven't used it for some time. I have no doubt stored it in a safe place in my office; but, as with so much else, I have forgotten where it is.</p>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com89tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-40241083332396521062015-05-27T11:42:00.000+01:002015-05-27T11:42:37.720+01:00Robert Eggleton: Rarity from the HollowBack in July 2006, as you doubtless remember, I mentioned a well reviewed book by Robert Eggleton: <i>Rarity from the Hollow. </i>Well, it's still in print, from a different publisher, and in Kindle, and still getting good reviews. As witness:<br />
<i><br /></i>
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<b><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Calibri; font-size: small;"><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: bold;">The most enjoyable science fiction novel I have read in several years<o:p></o:p></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11pt;">Rarity from the Hollow by Robert Eggleton is the most enjoyable science fiction novel I have read in several years. Who could think of an intergalactic handbook for entrepreneurs? Who could turn a tree-hugger into a paranormal event of death-defying significance? Who could create characters so believable, so funny, so astonishingly human (and not)?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Robert Eggleton, that’s who.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">I put this book on my IPhone, and it followed me everywhere for several days. Strangers smiled politely at my unexpected laughter in the men’s room toilet stall. They looked away as I emerged, waving the IPhone at them as if it might explain something significant.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">Oddly, the novel explains a great deal that has become significant in our society. Rarity from the Hollow is satire at its best and highest level. It is a psychological thriller, true to traits of mankind (and other species). It is an animal rights dissertation (you will laugh when you understand why I write that). It celebrates the vilest insect on earth (make that Universe).<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-size: 11pt;">The characters created by Robert Eggleton will bug your brain long after you smoke, uh, read the final page. Thanks for the laughs, the serious thoughts, the absolute wonder of your mind, Mr. Eggleton. A truly magnificent job.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px;"><i><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Calibri; font-size: x-small;"><span style="color: #1f497d; font-family: Calibri; font-size: 11pt; font-style: italic;">Temple Emmet Williams, Author, former Reader’s Digest editor</span></span></i></span><i> </i>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com877tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-45126950925216203682014-09-10T10:46:00.000+01:002014-09-16T09:29:57.114+01:00The real Virginia Woolf?Loren Kantor has completed another woodcut of a famous author: this time Virginia Woolf. (For Loren's portrait of Hemingway, <a href="http://grumpyoldbookman.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/mr-accident-prone.html">click here</a>.)<br />
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To my eye, this woodcut makes the troubled lady look more peaceful and beautiful than most photographic images of her. Nice work.<br />
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Loren's woodcuts are available for sale <a href="http://woodcuttingfool.blogspot.co.uk/2014/08/virginia-woolf.html">via his web site</a>.<br />
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I was never a great enthusiast for Mrs Woolf's novels, but <i><a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107756/">Orlando</a> </i>made a wonderful film.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com143tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-53878047347410660052014-03-16T19:47:00.000+00:002014-03-16T19:49:43.125+00:00More Guides for WritersYou will be thrilled, indifferent, or mildly interested to know that I have now completed all seven volumes in my guides for writers series.<br />
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The previous post described number 5. Number 6 in the series is on Literary Agents:<br />
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And number 7 is on Career Planning.<br />
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More to the point, perhaps, there is now an Omnibus Edition, containing all seven of the guides, this time arranged in a more logical order (I hope) than the one in which they were written. By buying the Omnibus Edition you will save yourself half the cost of buying all seven separately.<br />
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All are available from whichever branch of Amazon you favour, and only from there, in Kindle format.<br />
<br />Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com184tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-48131898791192573562014-01-24T19:47:00.000+00:002014-01-24T19:50:14.964+00:00A Writer's Guide to Traditional PublishingJust a brief note to let you know that the fifth in my series of <i>Writer's Guides</i> is now available. Title: <i>A Writer's Guide to Traditional Publishing.</i><br />
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Here's the blurb:<br />
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<br />
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
This is a book which will tell you all you need to
know about traditional publishing.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
<br /></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
Publishing is a business which goes back over 500
years, and if you’re going to succeed as a writer you need to know how the
business has developed and changed over that time. Otherwise you can make
serious mistakes, with long-lasting effects.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
The aims of this book are therefore as follows:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .25in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
(i) To provide you with a short history of
publishing, from the beginning of the trade in the late fifteenth century to
the present day;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
(ii) To enable you to understand how likely – or
unlikely – it is that you will be able to interest a traditional publisher in
your work;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="Kindle01firstpara">
(iii) To enable you make informed and realistic
decisions on what sort of books to write, and how much time and effort you
might sensibly devote to that work;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
(iv) And, finally, to show you that there are now more ways
than one to make your work available to the reading public.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">A Writer’s Guide to Traditional
Publishing </span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";">is the fifth in
Michael Allen’s series of practical, down-to-earth guides for writers; the
previous ones deal with emotion, viewpoint, style, and success. This one will
be most relevant to those who write fiction, whether short stories or novels –
but non-fiction writers will also find it useful. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language: EN-US;">Michael Allen’s first novel was published over fifty
years ago (1963). He is the author of numerous other novels and short stories
(some written under pen-names) which have variously been published in hardback,
paperback, and ebook editions, in the UK, USA, France and Denmark. He has also
run two small publishing companies.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p>Just for the record, all the <i>Writer's Guides</i> have now been reduced in price to 99 cents, which is about 77 pence in the UK. </o:p></span></div>
Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com101tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-50694381858636819692013-11-20T09:53:00.002+00:002013-11-20T09:53:55.974+00:00Mr Accident-ProneHere is another in Loren Kantor's series of woodcuts of writers. (I mentioned <a href="http://www.grumpyoldbookman.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/woodcuts.html">other examples here</a>.)<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QRN6Bp1u22s/UoyF6vcdFUI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/vhAZe8txHEA/s1600/Hemingway.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-QRN6Bp1u22s/UoyF6vcdFUI/AAAAAAAAAJ4/vhAZe8txHEA/s320/Hemingway.png" width="277" /></a><br />
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I knew quite a lot of the Hemingway life story, but until I read Loren's <a href="http://woodcuttingfool.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/hemingway.html">accompanying article</a> I hadn't realised that the old bastard had such a history of accidents. Extraordinary.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-59402967286492443472013-10-26T16:46:00.002+01:002013-10-26T16:46:47.279+01:00Akme anotherSome time ago, specifically on <a href="http://grumpyoldbookman.blogspot.co.uk/2004/09/akmes-autumn-offensive.html">24 September 2004</a>, I wrote a description on this blog of a web site set up by one Andrew Malcolm: it went by the name of Akme, and it took the form, mainly, of a critical (highly critical) examination of the activities of Oxford University Press and other parts of said University.<br />
<br />
Well, if you kick the shins of a big boy, over and over again, there may well come a day when he loses patience and thumps you into the middle of next week. Which is what appears to have happened recently to Andrew. In October last, his original web site, hosted by BT, was wiped out, and all links to that site, including my own, were rendered useless. More recently, a replacement web site was somehow 'airbrushed out of all the search engines'.<br />
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What this means, in practice, is that it is difficult to find parts of the Akme site which may be of practical value to all those involved in doing business with publishers: I have in mind, for instance, the Akme Literary and Charity Law Library. This library, which is more accurately perhaps a list of highly relevant case histories and well informed discussions, contains some fascinating stuff.<br />
<br />
However, all is not lost. Andrew Malcolm has now set up shop elsewhere, and, with fingers crossed, has tried to resume doing business as usual.<br />
<br />
So, for the main Akme site, you should now go to <a href="http://www.akmedea.com/">www.akmedea.com/</a>. There you can follow links to, for instance, <a href="http://www.akmedea.com/lawlibry.html">the law library</a>.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com40tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-55474934473463237662013-09-12T19:49:00.002+01:002013-09-12T19:49:43.458+01:00A Writer's Guide to Success<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1dn18yuuy7I/UjIMNvC_E7I/AAAAAAAAAJo/ElTMqSRyIGU/s1600/WG+to+SUCCESS+in+JPEG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-1dn18yuuy7I/UjIMNvC_E7I/AAAAAAAAAJo/ElTMqSRyIGU/s200/WG+to+SUCCESS+in+JPEG.jpg" width="124" /></a></div>
Further to what I was saying in August, I have another book out in my series of guides for writers. This one is called <i>A Writer's Guide to Success </i>-- subtitled A Serious Look at a Serious Subject.<br />
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As was the case with earlier books in this series, this one is going to be available free for five days. So get your keyboard in gear and visit the appropriate Amazon. Probably the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EZACQZS">main US site</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Writers-Guide-Success-Serious-ebook/dp/B00EZACQZS/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1379011733&sr=1-1&keywords=A+Writer%27s+Guide+to+Success%3A+A+Serious+Look+at+a+Serious+Subject">the UK one</a>.<br />
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Free dates are 14 to 18 September 2013, inclusive.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com29tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-38106623070447452352013-08-13T11:28:00.000+01:002013-08-13T11:37:37.706+01:00A Writer's Guide to Fame, Fortune, and Fantastic Orgasms<br />
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S9PQYLM5nEc/UgoGPL8WxOI/AAAAAAAAAJI/LZ9fZc8evcI/s1600/writer's+guide+to+Emotion+cover+in+JPEG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-S9PQYLM5nEc/UgoGPL8WxOI/AAAAAAAAAJI/LZ9fZc8evcI/s200/writer's+guide+to+Emotion+cover+in+JPEG.jpg" width="124" /></div>
<br />
I seem to have been around for quite a long time now, and the world has changed while I've been watching it. But one unchanging characteristic of the world is that it always seems to be crammed full of people who want to be writers. Myself foremost among them, of course.<br />
<br />
Occasionally, some of these people even ask me for advice. And my instinct is usually to suck my teeth and say, 'Ooh, I wouldn't go there if I were you, my lad.' Or 'young lady', as appropriate. But they never take any notice. They just assume I'm joking.<br />
<br />
Same with most things, I suppose. Young people always want to do something that's bad for them. Witness the schoolchildren whom I observe virtually every afternoon. Not a single one of them can pass the shops in town without emerging with hands full of Coke bottles, bars of chocolate, burgers, ice creams, and all like that.<br />
<br />
But I digress, as usual. The mind wanders as one gets older.<br />
<br />
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IhuOexUSRfc/UgoGdfXxNaI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/Ej_ak5Brg2A/s1600/writer's+guide+Viewpoint+in+JPEG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-IhuOexUSRfc/UgoGdfXxNaI/AAAAAAAAAJQ/Ej_ak5Brg2A/s200/writer's+guide+Viewpoint+in+JPEG.jpg" width="124" /></a>Given the vast numbers of ambitious young, and not-so-young, writers, I suppose the sensible thing to do would be to set up some sort of consultancy business, under the terms of which I charge substantial sums of money for assessing manuscripts. Or some such. But frankly I can't be arsed. What I do instead is write the occasional book which I hope will be of genuine assistance to those who are setting out on the road to fame, fortune, and (of course) a vastly improved sex life, through the simple art of writing fiction. It can't be all that difficult, can it?<br />
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Well, we shall see. And so will they.<br />
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I hereby announce a new series of short books, written by myself, on various aspects of the writer's art. These are intended to act as pocket guides, so to speak, on particular aspects of narrative technique and related matters.<br />
<br />
The first three are now available. At present they are published only in Kindle ebook form, and they normally cost about the same as a cup of coffee -- depending, course, on where you buy your morning reviver.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fwHRg66nPjA/UgoG8SYdPII/AAAAAAAAAJc/z-05F_9eRHs/s1600/writer%2527s+guide+STYLE+in+JPEG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-fwHRg66nPjA/UgoG8SYdPII/AAAAAAAAAJc/z-05F_9eRHs/s200/writer%2527s+guide+STYLE+in+JPEG.jpg" width="124" /></a>However! As an incentive to those who don't yet know me, and as a small reward to those who follow thhis distressingly infrequent blog, for a short period each of these books will be available free! Details below.<br />
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Free offer periods as follows:<br />
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Emotion: 14-18 August<br />
Viewpoint: 19-23 August<br />
Style: 24-28 August<br />
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Hie thee, as ever, to your local branch of Amazon, which is probably going to be either the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Allen/e/B001KHJ4S6/ref=lp_B001KHJ4S6_rf_p_n_feature_browse-b_2?rh=n%3A283155%2Cp_82%3AB001KHJ4S6%2Cp_n_feature_browse-bin%3A618073011&bbn=283155&ie=UTF8&qid=1376389628&rnid=618072011">American one</a> or the <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Derek-Allen/e/B001KHJ4S6/ref=la_B001KHJ4S6_rf_p_n_binding_browse-b_2?rh=n%3A266239%2Cp_82%3AB001KHJ4S6%2Cp_n_binding_browse-bin%3A368165031&bbn=266239&ie=UTF8&qid=1376389531&rnid=492562011">British one</a>.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com24tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-45806688007682451662013-06-21T20:10:00.000+01:002013-06-21T20:10:00.204+01:00How to Write a Novel that WorksJust to let you know that my latest book for writers, <i>How to Write a Novel that Works</i>, is available FREE in Kindle format as of 22 June for 5 days.<br />
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Subtitled <i>A Straightforward, Practical Guide</i> this tells you everything important that I have learnt about writing fiction in the past fifty years. As I may have mentioned before, my first novel was published in England in 1963. So actually I have been collecting information about how to do the job for much longer than fifty years.<br />
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For the US Kindle version <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Write-Novel-that-Works-ebook/dp/B00CS5NAWA/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371841406&sr=1-1">click here</a>.<br />
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And if you buy in the UK, <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Write-Novel-that-Works-ebook/dp/B00CS5NAWA/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1371841704&sr=1-1&keywords=write+a+novel+that+works">go here</a>.<br />
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Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com39tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-90338575392567628562013-05-11T10:14:00.000+01:002013-05-11T10:15:11.884+01:00Woodcuts<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-061Km1rgeV4/UY4LwN7JaAI/AAAAAAAAAIk/oLGDrmjag3U/s1600/Poe+woodcut.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-061Km1rgeV4/UY4LwN7JaAI/AAAAAAAAAIk/oLGDrmjag3U/s320/Poe+woodcut.png" width="309" /></a></div>
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The art of the woodcut is not yet dead. <a href="http://woodcuttingfool.blogspot.co.uk/">Loren Cantor</a><br />
does some interesting work on arts-related subjects, such as <a href="http://woodcuttingfool.blogspot.co.uk/2013/04/edgar-allan-poe.html">Edgar Allan Poe</a>. Worth a look.<br />
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<br />Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-13855530061017915372013-04-13T16:58:00.001+01:002013-04-13T17:01:06.977+01:00The joy of AcademeI was never a university lecturer, much less a professor, but I do have two higher degrees in Education -- MEd and PhD. I even wrote a book about higher education: <i>The Goals of Universities. </i>I think I did once find a scanned copy of that book somewhere on the net, but a quick Google doesn't make it obvious. And it's out of print.<br />
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Anyway, point is, I have more than a passing interest in the state of the university. So I cannot let this article about the plight of the would-be professor (in America) go unremarked: <a href="http://www.aljazeera.com/indepth/opinion/2013/04/20134119156459616.html">Academia's indentured servants.</a><br />
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And you'll get a bit of a surprise when you find out where it's published.<br />
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Much of what the author says is as relevant to the position of writers as it is to would-be academics. And of course the two worlds interact in the shape of creative-writing courses.<br />
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Well, I've had my say on those sorts of thing, and the people who teach on them or pay the fees. I can think of much better ways to spend one's time and money.<br />
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PS Thanks to <a href="http://booksinq.blogspot.co.uk/">Books Inq</a> for the link.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-59363534534194090592013-02-21T19:49:00.003+00:002013-02-21T19:49:50.202+00:00Loadsa free stuffI've been doing much work on setting up my numerous Kindle books to make nearly all of them free at some point in the coming weeks. The quickest way to check what is on free offer at any time is to go to my author page on the <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Michael-Allen/e/B001KHJ4S6/ref=ntt_athr_dp_pel_pop_1">US Amazon</a> or the <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Derek-Allen/e/B001KHJ4S6/ref=la_B001KHJ4S6_pg_1?rh=n%3A266239%2Cp_82%3AB001KHJ4S6%2Cp_n_binding_browse-bin%3A368165031&bbn=266239&ie=UTF8&qid=1361475635">UK version</a>.<br />
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There, if you make sure that you've clicked the Kindle heading, you will see at a glance what happens to be free at that time.<br />
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As of the time and date of writing this post, for example, the following are free:<br />
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<i>Lucius the Club</i> -- crime novella<br />
<i>Amadea</i> -- literary/fantasy short story<br />
<i>Wolla-wolla-wolla-wolla-woo!</i> -- humorous short story (actually it's about no. 35 on the bestsellers list for free short stories)<br />
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Soon to come on the freebie schedule, for five days at a time, are:<br />
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<i>Mr Fenman's Farewell to his Readers</i> -- literary/fantasy novella -- from 23 Feb.<br />
<i>How and why Lisa's Dad got to be famous</i> -- women's fiction novel -- from 24 Feb.<br />
<i>Daphne Before She Died</i> -- women's fiction novel -- from 25 Feb.<br />
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And more, yet to be scheduled. <br />
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When you look at this list, you're probably wondering why I write in so many different genres, instead of sticking to one thing and building a readership.<br />
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Yes, I wonder that too.<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/"></a><span id="goog_1527201248"></span><span id="goog_1527201249"></span><br />Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-91803165328756313302013-02-07T16:42:00.003+00:002013-02-07T16:44:28.095+00:00What is it about the Blairs?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aqqh5-UOemM/URPZEJSXg8I/AAAAAAAAAHg/q576gwlvJHI/s1600/emma+blair.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aqqh5-UOemM/URPZEJSXg8I/AAAAAAAAAHg/q576gwlvJHI/s200/emma+blair.jpeg" width="130" /></a></div>
In the UK we had, until recently, a well known writer of what the trade thinks of as 'women's fiction'. The author's name was Emma Blair.<br />
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For at least the last decade I've been aware that Emma Blair was actually a man. Can't remember where I picked this up, but I do remember having a phone conversation with his editor, several years ago, in which I asked if it would upset her if I referred to her author's true gender in print. No, she said, it wouldn't, as the fact was fairly widely known. Anyway, I have to report, courtesy of <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iain_Blair">Wikipedia</a>, that our author died of diabetes in 2011.<br />
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To take a look-see at what Emma Blair produced over a period of 30 years, go to our old reliable friend<a href="http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/b/emma-blair/"> Fantastic Fiction</a>. There you will see that Emma was undeniably a bloke, true name Iain. And he was a real Scot, where they tend to spell simple Ian in various different ways.<br />
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Just how big a seller Iain/Emma was I don't know, but steady and respectable I would say. And he was successful enough to be nominated for the Romantic Novel of the Year title in 1998.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uUBHVE6z4o0/URPZaA4kTDI/AAAAAAAAAHo/xJqJUraM1q4/s1600/blair+snow.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-uUBHVE6z4o0/URPZaA4kTDI/AAAAAAAAAHo/xJqJUraM1q4/s200/blair+snow.jpg" width="123" /></a></div>
Anyway, it turns out that there's another bloke who also writes women's fiction, this time under the name <a href="http://www.jessicablair.co.uk/">Jessica Blair</a>. This author, however, isn't a real Blair. His name is Bill Spence, and the <i><a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2274519/Female-romance-author-Jessica-Blair-unmasked-89-year-old-war-vet-called-Bill-Spence.html#axzz2KCk7Sza5">Daily Mail</a></i> 'unmasked' him yesterday. Since 1993 Bill has written 22 romantic novels, the latest of which, <i>Silence of the Snow,</i> is just out.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-85318657678139778582013-01-25T11:47:00.002+00:002013-01-25T11:47:26.221+00:00More about book coversI forget now which particular blog or web site it was that first pointed me towards the video of Chip Kidd's presentation to a TED audience, on the design of book covers -- but my hat is lifted to them, whoever it was.<br />
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Chip Kidd has worked for Knopf publishers -- which is apparently pronounced with a hard K, unless my ears are deafer than usual -- and unless, of course, Mr Kidd is just being droll -- but in any case, he knows his business and will also make you laugh, never a bad combination.<br />
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So, <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/chip_kidd_designing_books_is_no_laughing_matter_ok_it_is.html">go take a look</a>, is my advice. You will need twenty minutes or so.<br />
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<br />Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-48235342756350583342013-01-15T09:52:00.000+00:002013-01-15T09:52:45.090+00:00Yum yumShould you be planning to visit Shakespeare country. or thereabouts, be sure to visit Rebekah Owens's blog <i><a href="http://stratfordgourmet.blogspot.co.uk/">Travels with my Oxygen</a>. </i>Full of good advice on where to go to eat well, and how to foment political unrest, where to become the next J.K. Rowling, et cetera.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-2745411911263753502013-01-11T16:14:00.003+00:002013-01-11T16:14:40.784+00:00Simon Garfield: Just My Type<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RBDaAmE1ow8/UPA54QvSx4I/AAAAAAAAAHM/nw1v1VFTI8Y/s1600/just+my+type.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-RBDaAmE1ow8/UPA54QvSx4I/AAAAAAAAAHM/nw1v1VFTI8Y/s200/just+my+type.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
<i>Just My Type </i>is a book about fonts. And these days most people have a vague idea what fonts are, if only because they see the word (occasionally) on their word processor.<br />
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Well, a whole book about fonts may not be your thing but this is interesting enough, even for the non-professional. It's a series of short essays, about the designers of type, the folk who choose them for specific purposes, and all like that. It's a good bedside book -- you can read the odd chunk before going to sleep.<br />
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Of course you do have to be a bit weird to be interested in fonts. But if you're going to use CreateSpace or Lulu or something to produce actual printed books, as opposed to ebooks, then you're going to have to take an interest to some extent.<br />
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If you're looking for a practical book that gives you a list of suggested fonts for various different purposes, then this isn't it. But then it doesn't claim to be.<br />
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For something similar, but a bit more in-depth, perhaps, try Simon Loxley's <i>Type:</i><i> the Secret History of Letters. </i>And for those who are actually designing a printed book, Robert Bringhurst's <i>The Elements of Typographic Style </i>is indispensable.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-19122462617293515492013-01-10T10:17:00.000+00:002013-01-10T10:19:09.431+00:00Sugar: the bitter truth<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U65yOmj06do/UO6Um6vvjNI/AAAAAAAAAG8/J9LmYYvBMC0/s1600/yudkin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-U65yOmj06do/UO6Um6vvjNI/AAAAAAAAAG8/J9LmYYvBMC0/s200/yudkin.jpg" width="200" /></a>Well, well, it took a while -- actually about twenty years -- but finally Penguin did the obvious thing and reissued Professor John Yudkin's absolutely classic study of sugar: <i><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Pure-White-Deadly-sugar-killing/dp/0241965284/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357812859&sr=1-2">Pure, White and Deadly</a></i>. This book has been out of print for many a long year, and when you could find it the price was usually in three figures. A few years ago I had to borrow a copy from my local library's county archive.<br />
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The new edition comes with an introduction by Professor Robert Lustig, who was probably the guy that twisted Penguin's arm. I'd like to think that Penguin were smart enough to launch a reissue unprompted, but then why did they ever let an important book like this go out of print in the first place? (There's no polite or reassuring answer to that question.)<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PrrrDeJ6TN0/UO6UVyGl8nI/AAAAAAAAAG0/Bg06kw3kpsc/s1600/fat+chance.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-PrrrDeJ6TN0/UO6UVyGl8nI/AAAAAAAAAG0/Bg06kw3kpsc/s200/fat+chance.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
And, what's more, Lustig himself has a book out. The title is <i><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Fat-Chance-bitter-truth-about/dp/0007514123/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357813111&sr=1-1">Fat Chance</a>, </i>and it looks like a brave book to write, because it dares to criticise the food industry. Yudkin tried that, and got nothing but trouble as a result. He should, of course, have been supported by his university, but wasn't, which is a disgraceful story in itself.<br />
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The fact that sugar is the source of half our health problems is not new. The journalist William Dufty wrote a classic expose of it in the 1970s, in <i>Sugar Blues,</i> which is still in print. But scientists who are prepared to put their head above the parapet and let Big Food fire cannon at them are not thick on the ground.<br />
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If by any chance you haven't yet realised what pernicious stuff sugar is, and how determinedly it is forced upon us in almost everything, then Lustig's new book is the one to go for. Those of us who've been paying any attention to food in the last 40 years probably won't learn a lot that's new -- except of course that we shall be given a host of new examples of how little the food companies care about their customers' health, and how committed they are to making profit no matter what.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-89474922919739273822013-01-04T18:54:00.000+00:002013-01-04T18:59:12.203+00:00German Army? No worries...Englishmen of a certain age -- let's say over seventy -- tend to have a grudging respect for the German army. I'm not quite sure why, but it probably has something to do with two world wars, the flower of English youth slaughtered in the first, 20 million dead, worldwide, in the second. And we tend to remember incidents such as the invasion of Russia in winter (Napoleon did it and lost), the battle of Stalingrad, and so on.<br />
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One way and another, us old guys have a mental image of the German army as a vast assembly of bullet-headed thugs, with masses of first-class ordnance made by world-class German engineers. And even now we keep seeing these history documentaries showing the inexorable advances made by these relentless buggers.<br />
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It's worth noting that even when it came to the Battle of Stalingrad, when everything conceivable was against the Germans -- the weather, the lack of supplies, the sheer number of the Russians launched against them -- even then the Germans were hard to shift. Stalin's approach was to send boat after boat across the river, where they were machine-gunned down to one or two survivors, as often or not. But one or two was enough. Stalin sent another boat. And another. He had lots of peasants at his disposal.<br />
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All of that being the case, we ancient Limies tend to think of the German army as a hard-nosed bunch. Jeez, we mutter to ourselves, I hope we don't have to fight those buggers again -- not till I'm safely dead, anyway.<br />
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But you know what? We can sleep easy! Yes, there is absolutely no cause for alarm. <a href="http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/world/europe/article3647486.ece">A report in today's <i>Times</i></a> says it all. The link may not get you through Rupert's firewall (the strategy isn't going to work, Rupert, I keep telling you), so I'll give you the gist of the report here.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 18px;">It was once dreaded for its military might and unfailing discipline. But the German Army is now struggling to hold on to recruits, with almost one in three dropping out after six months of basic training.</span></blockquote>
See, what happens is this. The recruits turn up cos they rather fancy themselves in one of those uniforms -- a real girl-puller. But then they're a bit surprised by what they find. They have to share a room with other men. They have to polish their own boots! They can't smoke except during certain times. And there are all these bossy types strutting about and expecting recruits to do what they tell them! Whatever next? Result: 30.4 per cent drop out within six months.<br />
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So, I think we can all relax. If and when the German army invades somewhere uncomfortable, such as Russia in winter, or even Manchester on a rainy day in August, the recruits are going to take a long hard look at what they can expect. And if the Generals can't guarantee of supply of the young men's favourite hairspray, the great German war machine is going to say, 'Nah. No way. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.' And then they're going to piss off home.<br />
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For those of you who would like to read in detail about the glories of the once-unstoppable Wehrmacht, and just how difficult they were to batter into submission, William Shirer gives the best overall picture in <i><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rise_and_Fall_of_the_Third_Reich">The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich</a>.</i><br />
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For a painfully detailed account of one battle, <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stalingrad_(book)">go to Antony Beevor's <i>Stalingrad</i>. </a>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-60634401069975291602012-12-18T20:01:00.001+00:002012-12-18T20:04:41.113+00:00Ebook cover awardsIt seems that The Book Designer web site runs a monthly competition for the best designs for an ebook cover (or e-book cover, as the site chooses to spell it). If you <a href="http://www.thebookdesigner.com/2012/12/e-book-cover-design-awards-november-2012/">follow this link</a> you will arrive at the page recording the winners for November 2012.<br />
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The results make interesting viewing, and almost without exception they confirm my belief that most ebook covers -- or at least those designed by 'professionals' -- are grossly overburdened by information and are generally less than wonderful in meeting what ought to be the design brief.<br />
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Anyone with any wit surely knows that ebook covers are going to be viewed mainly in thumbnail form. And that is the key format, because that's the one which determines whether a potential reader cum buyer is going to bother to look at the sales page at all.<br />
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But... If you got to Amazon.com, books, fiction, last 30 days, and list by publication date, you get a reasonable set of examples of what is being offered by way of 'design' for the covers of today's new ebook novels. And most of these designs, quite frankly, are bloody useless. Here are three chosen pretty much at random from the first page:<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-by2VmEehPm8/UNDHu4jetBI/AAAAAAAAAGI/nLcyL4TTjpA/s1600/random+cover+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-by2VmEehPm8/UNDHu4jetBI/AAAAAAAAAGI/nLcyL4TTjpA/s1600/random+cover+2.jpg" /></a><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QEiFQqiBKqg/UNDHua4vfzI/AAAAAAAAAGE/bhyK23tcEmA/s1600/random+cover+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-QEiFQqiBKqg/UNDHua4vfzI/AAAAAAAAAGE/bhyK23tcEmA/s1600/random+cover+1.jpg" /></a><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kzcuQaAnjd4/UNDHvY5gQgI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/qsFQNlaFZ50/s1600/random+cover+3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kzcuQaAnjd4/UNDHvY5gQgI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/qsFQNlaFZ50/s1600/random+cover+3.jpg" /></a></div>
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In each case the title and/or author's name is largely illegible, at least to my elderly eyes, and the illustration gives very little clue as to the genre. The one on the left might be a Regency romance, but I wouldn't bet money on it.<br />
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My own view (doubtless hopelessly biased) is that any reasonably computer-savvy author can easily design her own cover, and in most cases it will turn out to be at least as good as something commissioned from a professional. Why? Because the professionals (on the evidence of Amazon) seem to be still thinking in terms of mass-market paperback.<br />
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All a good ebook cover needs is a highly legible title, highly legible author name, and perhaps an image of some kind to reinforce the perception of genre which is created (ideally) by the title.<br />
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Here's a good example which author Camille Laguire designed for her own book:<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3DJXrUxnWXU/UNDJrLEKy1I/AAAAAAAAAGk/-7dOtVehbH8/s1600/camille+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-3DJXrUxnWXU/UNDJrLEKy1I/AAAAAAAAAGk/-7dOtVehbH8/s1600/camille+cover.jpg" /></a></div>
Many of the other honorable mentions in this months's Book Designer competition were also designed by the book's author. <a href="http://www.thebookdesigner.com/2012/12/e-book-cover-design-awards-november-2012/">Go take a look.</a>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-83401440836574114962012-12-12T11:24:00.001+00:002012-12-12T11:26:41.422+00:00The Rescue of Bertie's Mummy Despite my best efforts, there seems to be less and less time for writing these days. However, I have managed to turn out the odd short story. (Odd in more ways than one.) <i>The Rescue of Bertie's Mummy </i>is my latest.<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hCGK3LZTUg4/UMhmud1tUNI/AAAAAAAAAFw/gmOgoyCFyAs/s1600/Rescue+cover+version2+for+GOB.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hCGK3LZTUg4/UMhmud1tUNI/AAAAAAAAAFw/gmOgoyCFyAs/s320/Rescue+cover+version2+for+GOB.jpg" width="199" /></a>This is a story intended for those who have been given a Kindle (of one sort or another) for Christmas. Such giftees will no doubt be looking for free stuff, so this one will be offered free for 5 days from 24 December. In the meantime it will cost you 99 cents or the equivalent in your local currency.<br />
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The narrative begins on Christmas Day, and it involves a little boy who is lost, together with some not very bright policemen (apart from our hero, PC Moreton); and it has a love story with a happy ending.<br />
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What more could you possibly want?<br />
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This book is the first in what I hope will be a series of 'coffee-time' short stories. That is to say, they will be short enough to be read over a cup of coffee. This one runs to just over 4,000 words.<br />
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Hurry, hurry, hurry, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Rescue-Berties-Mummy-ebook/dp/B00ALI9R8C/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1355306395&sr=1-1">while stocks last</a>. Or some such misleading drivel.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=6656468" id="productDetails" name="productDetails"></a></span>Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-72756240754261475922012-11-30T16:21:00.001+00:002012-11-30T16:21:47.683+00:00Adam Curtis rides again<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6f1nugbl-3k/ULjc0ib5iQI/AAAAAAAAAFg/Mis6vAfy2K8/s1600/arendt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="166" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6f1nugbl-3k/ULjc0ib5iQI/AAAAAAAAAFg/Mis6vAfy2K8/s400/arendt.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
I have recommended the work of Adam Curtis here before. And if you have any hope (Ha! What an optimist you are!) of understanding the Middle East, then you urgently need to read and <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/adamcurtis/2012/11/save_your_kisses_for_me.html">watch his latest post.</a><br />
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It is something of a mystery how Mr Curtis comes to be allowed (and presumably encouraged) to poke around in the BBC archives, but his resulting insights are worth ten of any academic tomes on the subject. More power to his elbow and archive-searching, say I.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-85448350320627470592012-11-15T09:34:00.000+00:002012-11-15T09:37:16.776+00:00David Wesley Hill: At Drake's Command<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gKAlYIL2oQA/UKS3vdPB3OI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/6Lu-H0mRYiU/s1600/at+drake's+command.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gKAlYIL2oQA/UKS3vdPB3OI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/6Lu-H0mRYiU/s1600/at+drake's+command.jpg" /></a></div>
Some eighty-five years ago, an English novelist by the name of C.S. Forester published the first in a 12-book series about Horatio Hornblower. The books were not written chronologically, in terms of the hero's life, but eventually covered Hornblower's career in the British Navy, from Midshipman to Admiral. <br />
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The Hornblower books were set in the age of the Napoleonic Wars, and were enormously successful, both in the US and the UK. They were admired by, among others, both Ernest Hemingway and Winston Churchill, and yet could easily be read by the average schoolboy. In 1951 a successful film version appeared, starring Gregory Peck in the lead role.<br />
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Since then, the idea of a book, and possibly a whole series of books, starring a member of the British Navy in times past, must have been seen by many a publisher and writer as a target worth consideration. Patrick O'Brian began a similar series, with <i>Master and Commander</i>, in 1970. And now <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/David-Wesley-Hill/e/B00A0MQBVA/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0">David Wesley Hill</a> has taken his turn to have a go.<br />
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<i>At Drake's Command </i>is set in the late sixteenth century and is subtitled 'The adventures of Peregrine James during the second circumnavigation of the world'. It's just published by the <a href="http://www.temurlonepress.com/">Temurlone Press</a>, where you can read the first chapter, and it's available in trade paperback format through the usual channels. Early reviews are good.<br />
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The naval-fiction genre is a small one, but there is, surprise, <a href="http://www.historicnavalfiction.com/">a web site</a> devoted to it.Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6656468.post-16271596502857303952012-11-03T20:50:00.003+00:002012-11-03T21:01:12.344+00:00China Mieville: London's Overthrow<i>London's Overthrow </i>is a small paperback -- about 7" by 4.5" -- and it runs to about 96 pages, including the prelims and a few photos at the end.<br />
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The book is printed on paper which, as in a newspaper, allows the reproduction of a number of the author's colour photographs; these are done in what I take to be a deliberately impressionistic style. The publisher is the <a href="http://www.saqibooks.com/imprint/the-westbourne-press/">Westbourne Press</a>.<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CzA1FHXSNlA/UJV8qPYPn7I/AAAAAAAAAEw/x0gAtyAMVLI/s1600/Londons-Overthrow-217x325.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CzA1FHXSNlA/UJV8qPYPn7I/AAAAAAAAAEw/x0gAtyAMVLI/s320/Londons-Overthrow-217x325.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
The text began life (in a shorter form) as an article in the <i>New York Times</i> in March 2012.<br />
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As for China Mieville, who he? Answer, a very distinguished science-fiction writer: he<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;"> </span>is a three-times winner of the Arthur C. Clarke Award, and has also won the Hugo, World Fantasy and British Science Fiction awards.<br />
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And what are we to make of it all? The title suggests that London has been overthrown. And if so, by whom?<br />
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Speaking as someone who lives in the provinces, I can only say that, on the rare occasions when I go there, I am struck by the almost complete lack of Londoners. In a restaurant or a hotel, it is rare to be served by someone whose first language in English. As for Cockneys -- damned if I've seen or heard one for decades. Is that circumstance the same as being overthrown? I don't know. But the character of the place has certainly changed, within my own adult lifetime.<br />
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Mieville seems to have wandered around this ancient city, poking his nose into obscure as well as famous places, and giving us, not unreasonably, his impressions of what he sees.<br />
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Inequality is one such feature. Rich and poor. Forty per cent of London's children live in poverty, he tells us. But poverty by what measure, and whose definition? Certainly nothing remotely comparable with the nineteenth century. All these poor children wear shoes, and I would bet good money that the majority of them carry a phone.<br />
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The picture of London that I get from these pages is of a patchwork of cultures. The Brick Lane mosque, for instance, was formerly a synagogue and before that a church. And Mieville suggests, if I read him aright, that Britain is seeing a mutation of its 'traditional' fascism into a form fixated on these new scapegoats.<br />
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I don't think I recognise that 'traditional' fascism, though it's an arguable point, I suppose, based on the UK's history of colonies and Empire. The past was indeed pretty vile in some respects. But would we be better off, for instance, with Sharia law? Would our women welcome being forced into arranged marriages, and being chopped into small pieces if they demurred? I hardly think so.<br />
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At the very end, Mieville encounters an old Londoner who is pretty depressed by the scene he now surveys. 'It starts this bitterness,' he says. 'Many become hopeless... Well, let us just wait for things to -- for chaos, really to take place.'<br />
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This is, I fear, all too realistic an attitude.<br />
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Speaking for myself, I am at a loss to explain how it is that the UK has not already descended into interracial violence on a massive scale. I speak here not so much of London as of the great industrial cities of the north. The streets where my mother and father grew up are now solidly Asian. For block after block.<br />
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And what do the displaced working-class Brits make of this? They seem to accept it. 'At least,' said my elderly aunt as I drove her past my grandmother's old house, 'they are maintaining it well.' This, mark you, where groups of Asian youths have recently been convicted of grooming underage white girls for sexual exploitation.<br />
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What is the explanation for this lack of violence?<br />
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Only a supreme optimist could put the present calm down to tolerance and goodwill. It is more likely, I fear, that the educated middle class have given up hope. Everywhere they look there is incurable corruption or incompetence: politics, science, education. As for the banks and big business... Well, words fail. And that's before we even begin to think about the potential of a Eurozone crash wiping out the world's financial system.<br />
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And the young -- the ones who might initiate some sort of change -- they seem to live in a state of fugue, made senseless by street drugs, deafening music and the distractions of technology.<br />
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Less than fifty years ago, a government-appointed committee, led by Lord Robbins, considered the purposes of higher education, and listed as one of the four most important 'the transmission of a common culture'. The four aims laid down by Robbins were accepted by the government and were built into the Charters of several of the new universities that were created in the 1960s.<br />
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But what was 'a common culture'? Did anyone ever know? What are its characteristics? Fair play, honesty, truthfulness...?<br />
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Well, if we ever had a common culture, I suggest that our policies on immigration and taxation, to name only a couple, have successfully destroyed it. I do hope that was an accidental result. <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/9634127/One-in-four-British-babies-born-to-foreign-mothers.html">In 2012</a>, 1 in 4 of the babies born in the UK are to foreign mothers; and in London the number is 6 out of 10.<br />
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As usual in his books, Mr Mieville belabours us with long and obscure words; it is a characteristic of his style: tchotchkes, hecatomb, gnosis, quotidian, nonnatives... I have a pretty fair idea of what they mean, or can guess from the context, but these are not words in most people's everyday vocabulary, and I'm not sure that communication is improved by their use here.<br />
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The price of this book is £5.99 on Amazon and £7.99 as listed by the publisher. If you seek food for thought, it is here aplenty. But don't blame me if you end up feeling a bit queasy.<br />
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<br />Michael Allenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11338398159818400930noreply@blogger.com2